Again, your kind words have touched our hearts today. All throughout the day I would sit and read your comments, emails and messages and it brought solace. I just feel so empty…like I could never laugh or have fun again and I know I’ll never be the same again. I actually did take pictures of my food today though..it felt good to do something “normal” (how normal is taking pictures of your food?!) and I ate more than yesterday.
Breakfast was oatmeal….1/2 cup oats with 1/2 cup coconut milk, 1/2 cup water, 1 banana, 1 tbsp flax and raw almond butter
It felt good and strange at the same time to eat oats again. When was the last time I had oats? Yesterday? Last week? Last year? It feels like an eternity.
Lunch was leftovers, obviously. Thank God someone brought over the largest bucket of hummus I’ve ever seen. Seriously, it was an 8 lb bucket. And good salad. With greens, blue cheese, candied walnuts and dried cranberries.
You all are going to get mad, but I ran today. I couldn’t help it. I needed it more than anything. My uncle is a marathon runner and just having him in the house talking to me about my future race and training made me NEED to get out there. I think I’ve rested for 2 1/2 weeks now? Regardless, I just did 20 minutes on the treadmill upstairs and felt no pain in my shins although I don’t think I would have cared if I did. My uncle was like, “you want to run 10 miles tomorrow?” and I’m like “uhhhhhhh I wish!”
After I ran I ate a fruit leather and greeted more of John’s friends, who have been stopping by all day. Such amazing friends. All those boys just wrapped my mom and I in their arms and sobbed with us. They loved John so so so much and we all laughed and cried for hours talking about funny memories and the good times.
Dinner was cold salmon, macaroni and cheese and more salad with hummus. I also had a glass of red wine.
And I’ve had not one, not two but THREE of these cookies today. They are “mini” chocolate chip but, seriously, the best chocolate chip cookie I’ve ever had! I don’t know what made them so good but everyone else said they were the best they have ever tasted too. The whole bag of them is now gone and I’m glad!
I’m with Ryan and Dexter right now. I’m not tired but am going to try to sleep. Tomorrow we have more family coming in town and we are meeting with the church for the memorial service, which will be Wednesday afternoon. John is being cremated and we are scattering his ashes at his favorite surf spot in Vero Beach, FL in about three weeks. Wednesday will just be a celebration of his life with all those close to us.
Thank you all again for your thoughts, prayers and comments. That, and reading John’s facebook wall where all his friends are writing in to him, has kept me going today. My family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts. May God be with you all.
{ 197 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
Jenna,
Wiggs alerted me to your heartbreaking loss. It takes my breath away. Your brother John sounds like such a cool and amazing guy. God must have needed an angel to take someone like him.
Please know your friends out here in the blog world have you and your family in their hearts. I hope you will find a way to keep John’s spirit with you always.
Sending hugs,
Anne Caroline
SO sorry to hear about your brother! Many thoughts and prayers to you, especially as I think about having lost two sisters, one with a self inflicted gun shot to the head. (bi-polar!)
Sounds like you have the right faith and knowledge to get through this. It is hard and you WILL never forget, but time does take some of the pain away, my sisters have been gone 9 and 7 years now. Stay close to all though around you who love you. Again, so sorry.
Jenna,
I am also one of the lurkers on your blog. I stumbled upon it a few months ago and read daily but have never commented.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I have thought of you continuously over the last few days and even though I don’t know you, I am shocked that this has happened to your family (if that makes any sense!). I’m so sorry for your loss.
Take care of yourself and keep your chin up
Jenna,
I don’t know you… but feel like I do.
I am one of your many, many daily readers and while I don’t often comment… I look forward to your posts everyday. It’s apparent what a wonderful, caring person you are.
I am so deeply sorry you are going through this pain.
I know from experiencing an unexpected family death a few years ago, how completely numb and shocked you can feel.
It’s strange to watch the world continue to turn after something so awful happens. I do believe your faith will keep you strong and bring you solace.
Again, I’m so so sorry. Take care of yourself as best you can, your brother would be proud of you.
I am praying for you and your family. Peace & Love.
Jenna ~ I just wanted to say again, that you and your family are at the forefront of my mind right now. I am sending you comforting, loving energy and envisioning you all in the palm of God’s hand.
You have been in my thought ever since I read your post Saturday. I am so sorry for you. Take care!
My heart breaks for you and your family. I’m so very, very sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are an amazing, strong woman.
Hey Jenna, I know you are getting tons of comments, but I just wanted to add that I too am praying for you and your family through what must be the most difficult time in your lives. You are such an amazing person that inspires so many of us on here and you know that if you need anything, we are all here for you! Much love and God bless.
Jenna,
I’m so glad that you have the peace of knowing your brother is safe with our Heavenly Father. It doesn’t take the hurt away but knowing that he isn’t in your past but instead is in your future, provides hope and comfort during this difficult time.
When you are feeling up to it, GriefShare is a wonderful ministry. We do groups at my church and my hubby and I have shared GriefShare materiarls with many of our friends and family that have lost loved ones. http://www.griefshare.org/
Much love,
Katie
I am glad you are feeling better!
Lovely food pics.
Jenna,
I am daily reader of your blogs, but I guess you probably wouldn’t know that because I never have commented before. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. When I read your blog and saw the initial post, I was in shock. Your family is constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I recently lost my dad so I can kind of relate. I know it seems that you will never be the same again, that part of you has died too, but I can assure you that while your life may never be quite the same, it is one of the many things that you will grow from. I really don’t know what to say but I am soooo sorry and if you ever need anything or have any questions (I know I did) about the grieving process please feel free to e-mail me.
Emily
Jenna:
You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. With loving intention to you and your family.
Marietta
Oh, Jenna, I’m so so sorry to read about your unexpected loss. I just read back to your posts a few days ago, like I usually do on Mondays, and was shocked and I feel terribly sad that such a lovely gal like you, and your family are enduring this tragedy. Its unthinkable that this would have happened. Its hard to believe it could have happened.
I’m praying for you and your family–that you will find peace, you will find comfort. Take care and be gentle with yourself. If you need some time to yourself, take it. We are all hear for you.
Puja
Hi Jenna,
I’m a longtime reader who has only commented once. I feel compelled to write to you – you and your family have been in my thoughts for the last few days. I wish you comfort and peace at this time.
Gald you’re ok hun, running is good for the soul, great your legs didn’t hurt!
Lots of love and prayers from Chicago.
Hi Jenna, I just wanted to let you know how much I’ve been thinking about you since I saw your news – I commented that day as well, but can’t stop thinking about you and your family. I called my brother right away to tell him I love him. You are truly an inspiration. God bless…
And, sometimes running and pounding it out on the pavement is exactly the therapy you need.
jenna. each time i visit your blog these past few days i can’t help but choke up and rehash the exact pain i felt 6 months ago.
honestly, right now, you feel as if you are in a dream, a bubble almost as if you will wake up soon and John will be there. all of the people coming in and out of your house bringing loads of food seems surreal. i know it did for me.
yet here i sit, 6 months and a week after my 20 year old brother passed and i still cannot fathom the fact he’s gone.
i hope, wish and pray each day that he were here with me..
he never got to hear that i’m going to the college he wanted me to go to..
he won’t be here for my marriage or my children but then again i have to pull out my faith and think, yes.. he WILL be there. maybe not physically but i KNOW he is watching over me.. just as John is watching over you.
it was an accident, accident’s happen, why God let this one happen, no one knows. my family was walking in the door from church when we found out about my brother Tim. Accidents happen to good people.
only know that me and the blogging community is always here for you. it’s going to be a rough journey believe me.. i’m not nearly that far along though to give you some inspirational advice yet! but i’m here for you although i am a perfect stranger, i’m one that feels your pain and truly truly DEEPLY am sorry for your loss.
<3
please stay strong jenna
love,
erin
Jenna, keep strong girl…God has a plan and you just have to trust in Him. It will all be all right. I know it hurts right now though, so we are all here for you.
Lots of love,
Kristi
Jenna,
You and your family are an inspiration to all of us. You are in our thoughts and our prayers.
Jenna,
My heart aches for you and your family. I could not imagine going through such a horrible event, and am amazed by your strength and faith during this time. Thank you for keeping all of us updated, as I’m sure you can tell we are all thinking and praying for you and wish nothing but the best. I hope that in the coming weeks you can find support and love in your family and friends, and will continue to remember your brother as the wonderful person he was.
I don’t know what else to say, except that I am truly deeply sorry for your loss.
With love,
Chloe
Still sending thoughts and prayers… God bless
Jenna:
I read your blog almost every day and although I have only commented a few times, you constantly inspire me. I donated to your Team in Training and got your dessert cookbook which was so full of love and I could tell what a dedicated person you are and how much enjoy sharing the things that you love. I am so sorry that you lost someone you love. You are an awe-inspiring person and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Jenna you are amazing. Your grace and strength in a time of crisis and pain is absolutely incredible. Keep on goin’ girl.
Jenna,
I lost my best friend/sister just 5 short weeks ago. Although it was not a tragic accident (cancer), I can say that I do understand your pain and trauma right now. To have someone we love suddenly taken away is a wrenching and mind numbing pain. I have struggled to get through these past weeks with some kind of balance concerning food/exercise without losing sight of what is truly important. One thing I do know is that you have to follow your gut. If you need to run ~ run, if you need those cookies ~ have a few. Some people just won’t get it, some people have insinuated that I should just forget all about my healthy lifestyle commitments, but I know how proud my sister was of the huge changes I have made in my life. She wouldn’t have wanted me to throw it all away in a fit of dispair ~ so I struggle daily to know what it right FOR ME. Please know that I will hold all of your family in my prayers daily. Many Blessings.
Jenna,
Throughout the weekend I found my thoughts drifting to you. I ran on Saturday and just wanted to let you that I looked to the sky, said a little prayer and ran a little harder for you and your family. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings with us.
You’re amazing Jenna, keep strong hun. I never know what to say in this ocassion, even on the internet, i know i dont really know you or your family but i wish i could comfort you somehow
I would feel the exact same way you are. Empty.
I won’t sugarcoat it. Because I’d feel like I wouldn’t
be able to laugh or smile again. Like that would just be…
wrong? I don’t know. However, keeping faith and believing
that your brother is out of pain and keeping an eye on you-
and that he would WANT you to smile and laugh has to be
the one thing that keeps you going. Not giving up. That there
is life after such terrible, horrible, no good very bad situations.
But take your time to gain yourself back. Don’t rush it.
In my prayers!
xoxox
You and your family have constantly been on my heat ms jenna. im glad you are taking care of yourself and you have so much support around you. *hugs*
Jenna, no one is mad at you for running…we all want you do to what feels best for YOU at this time. You and your family are in my thoughts are prayers xo
Jenna,
I am so sorry for your loss. God will provide you the courage you need to face the difficult day. I love your blog and that you are such a wonderful person. You and your family are in my prayers.
My favorite Dickinson poem about life, death, and faith. Riddling through it always brings me some measure of comfort. Hope it does the same for you.
-Rachel
This World is not Conclusion.
A Species stands beyond –
Invisible, as Music –
But positive, as Sound –
It beckons, and it baffles –
Philosophy — don’t know –
And through a Riddle, at the last –
Sagacity, must go –
To guess it, puzzles scholars –
To gain it, Men have borne
Contempt of Generations
And Crucifixion, shown –
Faith slips — and laughs, and rallies –
Blushes, if any see –
Plucks at a twig of Evidence –
And asks a Vane, the way –
Much Gesture, from the Pulpit –
Strong Hallelujahs roll –
Narcotics cannot still the Tooth
That nibbles at the soul –
Oh, Jenna… I am so, so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I will be praying for you and your family. No one is mad at you for running – just do whatever you need to do to get through this. You WILL get through this. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
You’ve been in my thoughts today, Jenna. Hang in there.
Jenna,
You are such an inspiration for being so strong. I know there are no words that anyone could say that could make it better, but please know that you and your family are in our prayers, minds, and hearts.
Jessica
You’re strong, sista! I’ll keep praying for you and your family. Keep the faith, as its obvious from your blog, how strong your faith actually is.
Jenna – I just said a prayer and will continue to include you and your family in my prayers. Like so many others, I rarely post, but I read your blog daily. Your positive views on life are even more of an inspiration than your wonderful food.
I aspire to live my life as you project your life on this blog – just as I’m sure many, many people aspire to live their lives as John lived his. Reading your blog always lifts me up a bit – and the least I can do in return is lift you and your family up in prayer. I wish you strength and peace…
Jenna,
I’m glad to hear you are taking care of yourself. Embrace the love and support of those around you, and remember that we are all here for you as well.
-Foodie
Jenna & Family,
I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words, except to say how sorry I am for your wonderful family to have to endure this horrible tragedy. I worked with your Mom at Ballard Designs and would always share stories about our kids, you could always tell that John enjoyed life and had a heart of gold. It was great that you were able to come home and spend these past few months since school, I loved your articles about the chocolate chip cookies that John had to make for his school project.
Tell your Mom and Dad that they and your family are in my prayers and I will see them on Wed.
Karen Teague
I have been a reader for the last 8 months and am a huge fan although have never posted a comment. I just read your most recent posts and burst out in tears. I have a 19 year old brother too who is a fun loving, adventurous guy just like your brother who I could not imagine losing. I also lost a young cousin this past summer, and I know you are a religous, but sometimes life is just not far. At my cousins funeral the priest made amazing point; Although he may have passed away, he will never become past tense; he will always be present in your family, in your life and as your brother. My thoughts are with you and your family
Jenna—isn’t strange, incomprehensible, and terrifying how these things happen? i have been reading your blog almost daily and i regret not checking in sooner or i would have commented. why should something so cruel happen to you?? the only ‘answer’ i can give is that there isn’t one. you are too good, and i’m positive that your brother must have been equally good and kind—all his love was deserved.
i cannot explain the way my heart dropped when i read what happened. i, who have never met you, feel such pain that it’s impossible for me to comprehend what you and your family are going through—and for this, all my love, strength, and prayers go out to you and yours. i will continue to read your blog, and hopefully watch your loving, happy self return. i know that you can do this, your strength and prayers will help you through it.
all my love,
maggie (san francisco, ca)
Jenna, you are such a strong person. Your attitude with everything you’ve had to face these past few days is very inspiring. I’ve kept you and your family in my thoughts all weekend. Your brother seemed like a truly amazing person and his memory will live on with each of you.
oh, jenna.
my heart is absolutely breaking for you right now. I havent been able to stop thinking about and praying for you since I first heard of the accident this morning.
though we have never met, I am praying for you as if I’ve known you my whole life. Everytime I think about the strength you and your family is showing, it brings tears to my eyes.
I know that there is a celebration in heaven because John is finally home. When my brother was killed 8 months ago, the healing began to come when I realized that I really was going to see him again one day… and the same is true for you and your brother. With Christ we know that you aren’t saying goodbye to John, just see you soon. My brother was also 19 and loved to surf… I bet you they are great friends by now
please let me know if there is anything at all I can do. You are in my prayers
Jenna..I’m sorry for your loss..this is a tragedy..every time I read about your brother I shed a tear or two for you and your family and for the whole world in general. We all lose when a precious soul dies.
Guns in and of themselves are not bad. But people don’t know how to use them properly.
They can be used for good or evil.
Ignorance of how powerful and dangerous they can be can lead to the loss of innocent life.
Our society needs to be educated in the use of guns. Banning them won’t save lives. We must maintain our right to bear arms. But we must know how to properly use those arms.
I hope you’ll make it your mission to educate young people on gun safety, the proper use of guns, and to fear and respect them.
I can’t believe was a senseless loss of life has occured. It is a sad thing that has occured. I, personally, think its ridiculous that there is a right to bear arms in America. If it saves more lives to ban them than not, they should be banned.
Look after yourself Jenna. Cookies help!
Jenna I have been reading your blog for about a month now and I didn’t know you lost your brother this past April. I am so sorry for the loss and I am praying for you and your family. Vero Beach is a beautiful and amazing place where I vacation and everytime I go there I will be thinking of you, your brother, and your family!
You are in my prayers girl, keep up the good work you are doing now
<3 Jenna
← Previous Comments